Tired of me
I'm so tired. I'm so tired of being almost enough but not quite. I am so tired of being just shy of one thing or another. So tired of not knowing how to perfect something or even be very good at it. I am so tired of never having enough to make it in the world.
How do I succeed? What does that word even mean? I see so many people luck out time and again and I see so many people fall time and again, what and who determines that? We have free will and we make all our choices, but if one person works as hard, lives as well and has a heart that is just as well-intention-ed, how then do they still lose out to the other?
My jobs may not be physically demanding, but my energy is always zapped by the end of the day from customers, strange circumstances and even the constant company of coworkers in a tiny space. I know I am fortunate and I can't complain about a job that pays well for limited amounts of work, but I am starting to feel like I am truly missing out on something very large and important. Any sort of calling at all. I am working in a world of money with little prospect that doesn't involve the greed of a larger corporation, but for the first time in my life I am solvent and even soon will be able to starting actively saving money.
How am I supposed to make that sort of choice?
Why do some things come so easily and other things not come at all?
I feel like I am wasting away. My voice becoming increasingly untrained and weak, my muscles becoming useless and any small talents I have are washing away in the exhaustion of 15 hour days and endless dinners, dishes and laundry. This cannot be what it is to be a grown up, I have to have gone wrong somewhere...
Yet, realistically, this has to be it. A job that could be a career, a house with a real lease, a car that isn't about to fall apart and a cute dog. I would be crazy to complain or feel jealous... Here I am though, feeling intense jealousy of all the people I know who can make it as a barista or an herbalist or friends who are always on some great mountain adventure. How did you do it? How do you do it? Does someone else pay your rent or cell phone bill? Do you never eat? Do you sell drugs on the side? Or did you just have a really fair head start from home?
Maybe none of these things, maybe you just lucked into a better situation or maybe you make more as a waitress than I do working hellish 8-630 hours. I would like to walk a while in your shoes and learn how to be you, because quite frankly I am so tired of being me.
I am tired of my crooked jaw and my under-eye circles. I am tired of my pale-yellowy skin. I am tired of my poor musicianship, my low energy, my grumpiness late at night. I am tired of my dairy and gluten intolerance. I am tired of my stomach fat and my freckles. I am tired of leaving home and returning home in the dark. Tired of being broke, tired of being talent-less. I am tired of always being the one to take the fall for everyone and stand up to the bullies for everyone. I am tired of always being the one who is ALWAYS there when anyone at all needs me.
I want to be wild and selfish and romantic and fulfilled and artistic and beautiful and sleek and tanned and weak and bright and needed for more than my chutzpah and solidity.
But, I am not. I am Rose. And I am a lion and a mouse, a ghost and a moon. I am bold and too loud and too serious and too funny.
Sorry for the darkness...
Slainte
BRM
How do I succeed? What does that word even mean? I see so many people luck out time and again and I see so many people fall time and again, what and who determines that? We have free will and we make all our choices, but if one person works as hard, lives as well and has a heart that is just as well-intention-ed, how then do they still lose out to the other?
My jobs may not be physically demanding, but my energy is always zapped by the end of the day from customers, strange circumstances and even the constant company of coworkers in a tiny space. I know I am fortunate and I can't complain about a job that pays well for limited amounts of work, but I am starting to feel like I am truly missing out on something very large and important. Any sort of calling at all. I am working in a world of money with little prospect that doesn't involve the greed of a larger corporation, but for the first time in my life I am solvent and even soon will be able to starting actively saving money.
How am I supposed to make that sort of choice?
Why do some things come so easily and other things not come at all?
I feel like I am wasting away. My voice becoming increasingly untrained and weak, my muscles becoming useless and any small talents I have are washing away in the exhaustion of 15 hour days and endless dinners, dishes and laundry. This cannot be what it is to be a grown up, I have to have gone wrong somewhere...
Yet, realistically, this has to be it. A job that could be a career, a house with a real lease, a car that isn't about to fall apart and a cute dog. I would be crazy to complain or feel jealous... Here I am though, feeling intense jealousy of all the people I know who can make it as a barista or an herbalist or friends who are always on some great mountain adventure. How did you do it? How do you do it? Does someone else pay your rent or cell phone bill? Do you never eat? Do you sell drugs on the side? Or did you just have a really fair head start from home?
Maybe none of these things, maybe you just lucked into a better situation or maybe you make more as a waitress than I do working hellish 8-630 hours. I would like to walk a while in your shoes and learn how to be you, because quite frankly I am so tired of being me.
I am tired of my crooked jaw and my under-eye circles. I am tired of my pale-yellowy skin. I am tired of my poor musicianship, my low energy, my grumpiness late at night. I am tired of my dairy and gluten intolerance. I am tired of my stomach fat and my freckles. I am tired of leaving home and returning home in the dark. Tired of being broke, tired of being talent-less. I am tired of always being the one to take the fall for everyone and stand up to the bullies for everyone. I am tired of always being the one who is ALWAYS there when anyone at all needs me.
I want to be wild and selfish and romantic and fulfilled and artistic and beautiful and sleek and tanned and weak and bright and needed for more than my chutzpah and solidity.
But, I am not. I am Rose. And I am a lion and a mouse, a ghost and a moon. I am bold and too loud and too serious and too funny.
Sorry for the darkness...
Slainte
BRM
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