I guess this is growing up
There is a Blink182 song I know by heart with these lyrics and recently I have been singing them to myself and bopping along to the heavy punk drum beat in my head. It seems that over and over I am faced with the ever increasing awareness of my adulthood. Driving along the back roads of Williamsburg alone, I find myself seeking out the trees and rivers, the long stretches of heavy isolation in between house and work.
There is a particular spot I have found recently that calms me immeasurably and I have made it my almost daily therapy to drive home the long way and park my car on the side of the road over Little Creek Dam. The water is unrealistically blue and refreshing, the wind whipping and whistling over the surface and through the pines nearby creates a little wind tunnel. The first time I discovered it, I was just feeling my way along the cut through from where I lodge my horse and help care for the other horses and my own home, as I knew there was a cut through, had been told about it. So I was driving along alone, like I do and listening to some lovely and melancholy tune and the trees clear as I approach the bottom of a hill and behold, blue blue blue.
I was in some strange emotional growing pain and I pulled over to sit and contemplate existence next to the water on the first day of spring and as happens in my life, the song "first days of spring" came onto my pandora shuffle. The song talks about screwing up and getting a chance to make it right and hope and love and etc etc, like all good songs. I sat there and soaked in the moment, the pain, the loneliness, the growing up, the feeling old and tired, the feeling terrified and young, too. It struck me as odd, that while I sniffled and thought bitterly of how difficult my life has been, I was also incredibly thankful for how "screwed up" I am. How I feel the need to be alone to have these moments, how I would rather run into the woods or climb a mountain or cry myself to sleep than ask for company or help.
John Muir had it right, this whole being alone with Nature thing. We were meant to connect with things that are greater than humans. With the sky, with emotion, with trials and tribulations, with storms and rain buckets spilling over. We've been pampered so much in this life and as I continue to grow up, I witness fewer and fewer of my generation doing the same thing. They all stay the same, they are underdeveloped and the littlest things throw them off kilter. They can't handle themselves, let alone romance or a steady job. Finances are beyond their grasp.
DON'T get me wrong, I wish for nothing more than to escape the daily grind and live by some river and grow veggies and raise chicks and goats and knit and chop wood and play in the mountains and woods. BUT, as a result of my growing up, I learned that because of our world and society, I must learn to balance my desperate need for adventure with the ability to live and support myself and one day, others.
I will reference John Adams here for my current sentiments "I must study politics and war that my sons may have liberty to study mathematics and philosophy. My sons ought to study mathematics and philosophy, geography, natural history, naval architecture, navigation, commerce, and agriculture, in order to give their children a right to study painting, poetry, music, architecture, statuary, tapestry, and porcelain."
There is a particular spot I have found recently that calms me immeasurably and I have made it my almost daily therapy to drive home the long way and park my car on the side of the road over Little Creek Dam. The water is unrealistically blue and refreshing, the wind whipping and whistling over the surface and through the pines nearby creates a little wind tunnel. The first time I discovered it, I was just feeling my way along the cut through from where I lodge my horse and help care for the other horses and my own home, as I knew there was a cut through, had been told about it. So I was driving along alone, like I do and listening to some lovely and melancholy tune and the trees clear as I approach the bottom of a hill and behold, blue blue blue.
I was in some strange emotional growing pain and I pulled over to sit and contemplate existence next to the water on the first day of spring and as happens in my life, the song "first days of spring" came onto my pandora shuffle. The song talks about screwing up and getting a chance to make it right and hope and love and etc etc, like all good songs. I sat there and soaked in the moment, the pain, the loneliness, the growing up, the feeling old and tired, the feeling terrified and young, too. It struck me as odd, that while I sniffled and thought bitterly of how difficult my life has been, I was also incredibly thankful for how "screwed up" I am. How I feel the need to be alone to have these moments, how I would rather run into the woods or climb a mountain or cry myself to sleep than ask for company or help.
John Muir had it right, this whole being alone with Nature thing. We were meant to connect with things that are greater than humans. With the sky, with emotion, with trials and tribulations, with storms and rain buckets spilling over. We've been pampered so much in this life and as I continue to grow up, I witness fewer and fewer of my generation doing the same thing. They all stay the same, they are underdeveloped and the littlest things throw them off kilter. They can't handle themselves, let alone romance or a steady job. Finances are beyond their grasp.
DON'T get me wrong, I wish for nothing more than to escape the daily grind and live by some river and grow veggies and raise chicks and goats and knit and chop wood and play in the mountains and woods. BUT, as a result of my growing up, I learned that because of our world and society, I must learn to balance my desperate need for adventure with the ability to live and support myself and one day, others.
I will reference John Adams here for my current sentiments "I must study politics and war that my sons may have liberty to study mathematics and philosophy. My sons ought to study mathematics and philosophy, geography, natural history, naval architecture, navigation, commerce, and agriculture, in order to give their children a right to study painting, poetry, music, architecture, statuary, tapestry, and porcelain."
I feel we are starting over again and his words apply. Our economy has failed and our government is in uproar 24/7. Because of the need to be selfish and have careers and live our own life before we merge it with someone else's, we find ourselves pushing child rearing and home building far into our thirties and forties, giving time for more debt to build and allowing ourselves to become so entrenched in a style of living that we cannot really accommodate anyone else. I am rambling...
POINT IS, I guess this is growing up. Finding what we MUST do, doing what we MUST do and learning how to also do what we NEED to do to make ourselves happy therein. Finding SOMEONE, and learning how to open up and LOVE, LOVE, LOVE them and not ourselves. Finding a HOME. Bridging the gap between 0 and 60. Jumping ship and plunging and learning all about what it takes to truly live a life.
My thoughts for the last few days... Hope they can help you along your journey somehow. I am off to pack more of my clothes and shoes and spend some way overdue time with someone I LOVE.
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