In which I lose a half of my whole

If you search "fun and games the connells" on youtube, on the very first page about 3/4 of the way down is a cover with a girl in a pink shirt, that girl is me. I recorded it when I was perhaps 15 or 16 and uploaded it to see what people thought of my musical prowess (sarcasm on the prowess). I haven't thought about it or looked at the commentary in almost 4 years until my little sister stumbled upon it last week. I was floored by the positive review and it brought tears to my self-doubting eyes to know that strangers out there thought I was worthy of compliment and attention.

Now, many moons later, I am packing boxes with books and other personal affects in preparation to leave a home that has become a part of me. It has been the other half of my whole the last 8 or 9 months of my life and I am absolutely loathe to part with it. It is all I ever wanted: my sanctuary, my bed, my lab/kitchen, my dark and serene woods, my musical exploration zone, my comfort when I felt I had lost all else, my OWN. My very own. And now, due to financial constrictions, I must leave it.

I knew I wouldn't stay here forever, in my little cabin oasis. It is not possible, as I have so many other places I would like to live and see, but my heart is heavy, regardless. I have been lucky beyond measure to have resided in such a place of peace and solitude. The wooden beams soaking my hurt away, the freckled light illuminating my worried face and conscious. I am giving up a lot this year, simplifying in hopes that it will make leaving and finding my place that much easier. So far, it has been a painful process.

I often ask myself what the hell I am doing it all for, if not to be happy? And don't these things make me happy? Why not stay in the home I can't afford if I have nothing else to afford but a home? Why not work for the horse I have who I love if I have no reason to save money?

Why?

Because... The modern world we live in, of course. I must pay off student loans, pay off credit card bills, pay ridiculous prices for car insurance, gas, phone bills, and food. I must "save for the future" because goodness knows what will come with the future. I must prepare my life for whatever it is that may come next, as I am the only one responsible for me. THAT is the one thing of which I am completely sure and my biggest comfort AND greatest anxiety in my future. I alone am the sole beneficiary of me and I alone can provide for me. So, I must away, to a new home and I must find a new home for my horse, as well, a happy and quiet home for him. I must sell some old books, donate a lot of clothes and downsize my ridiculous collection of shoes. It is well, it is well with my soul, because one day, the stress will also be diminished and towards this one goal, I will work.

A happy and successful beginning to your week, everyone. Enjoy the sunset and the moonrise.