All Saints, broken nails and sequins...
It's been a long time since I have let myself slip into the doldrums of years ago, those crazy late nights with my sister friends drinking wine and crying over broken hearts and confusing times. Sometimes it feels like yesterday but then others I feel like it was only a dream I had at a much younger age. It's no secret that I have made plenty of mistakes and have traveled near and far to change and grow and be brighter and stronger.
The last few months have had my so busy and overwhelmed with work and figuring and stabilizing that nothing has brought those bleak winter months back to my heart. But I must not forget that they did, indeed happen. And this past week, they greeted me like an old friend. When I lived in that house where everything happened, I owned a sparkly copper dress unlike anything else I had. Bright and sequined with a short skirt and off the shoulder neckline. I had never worn it but always imagined myself at some fancy new years or Christmas party, decked in sparkles and light. At some point in the last three years I realized I had lost it.
True to form, on some crazy chance, my older sister recently rented that exact house again and sent me a picture of that very dress. I had found its way through to other renters and back into my family. And soon back to me. Along with that dress comes so many memories, sad ones, happy ones and downright confusing ones. It brought back to me feelings of insecurity and self-doubt. Of longing and restlessness. I felt altogether topsy turvy over the discovery.
I must push it away though, because it is not who I am now, it is not who I have become. It is equally important in it's way. For without those bleak months and harsh trials, I WOULD NOT be the woman I am. I would not have the patience or joy or desires I now have. Do we not all have these sparkly dresses in our lives? Reminders of who we were before misery, during misery and after misery? Reminder of what we could have been and are instead?
How must we then reconcile with it? How can we turn these feelings of past hurt into comforts and bolsters for the future. I suppose very simply. We are humans, We err. We forgive, We grow, We become brighter and even more sequin covered daily. We can't linger. What I am saying isn't new and it's not the first time I have ever felt this way. However, I always think it is important to remember this lesson. A new year is on it's way and in these last few months of a big year, we should all enjoy the youth we still have and tie our shoes a bit tighter to ready ourselves for the youth we are losing.
Slainte and happy autumn to you all
BRM
The last few months have had my so busy and overwhelmed with work and figuring and stabilizing that nothing has brought those bleak winter months back to my heart. But I must not forget that they did, indeed happen. And this past week, they greeted me like an old friend. When I lived in that house where everything happened, I owned a sparkly copper dress unlike anything else I had. Bright and sequined with a short skirt and off the shoulder neckline. I had never worn it but always imagined myself at some fancy new years or Christmas party, decked in sparkles and light. At some point in the last three years I realized I had lost it.
True to form, on some crazy chance, my older sister recently rented that exact house again and sent me a picture of that very dress. I had found its way through to other renters and back into my family. And soon back to me. Along with that dress comes so many memories, sad ones, happy ones and downright confusing ones. It brought back to me feelings of insecurity and self-doubt. Of longing and restlessness. I felt altogether topsy turvy over the discovery.
I must push it away though, because it is not who I am now, it is not who I have become. It is equally important in it's way. For without those bleak months and harsh trials, I WOULD NOT be the woman I am. I would not have the patience or joy or desires I now have. Do we not all have these sparkly dresses in our lives? Reminders of who we were before misery, during misery and after misery? Reminder of what we could have been and are instead?
How must we then reconcile with it? How can we turn these feelings of past hurt into comforts and bolsters for the future. I suppose very simply. We are humans, We err. We forgive, We grow, We become brighter and even more sequin covered daily. We can't linger. What I am saying isn't new and it's not the first time I have ever felt this way. However, I always think it is important to remember this lesson. A new year is on it's way and in these last few months of a big year, we should all enjoy the youth we still have and tie our shoes a bit tighter to ready ourselves for the youth we are losing.
Slainte and happy autumn to you all
BRM
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