To dance, to write, to sing.

I love dancing. Any kind. It is freeing and silly and graceful and joyful. I used to dance several times a week and loved it and would dance in the grocery store in line and on my way to my car and all over. I haven't danced in about 4 years and I miss it sorely. I miss the release and expression. I miss the exercise and the passion.

The silly movie, Centerstage, about ballerinas competing to become a part of the American Ballet Company has a great line that I often say to myself. It is right after one of the best dancers can't seem to get it right and she runs into one of the teachers who tells her "when nothing seems right, come back here," and she pats the ballet bar.

I keep coming back to my own versions of the ballet bar. I go back to the kitchen, back to the pen and paper, back to the keyboard of my computer, back to the basics. I return to what always gave me release before. It is not always easy to give up to the relief. It means pain could come with it, or realization. It means that if we open up enough or relax enough, the world could slip out underneath of us with no warning.

I stay locked up...but not at that bar, not on the wooden floors, highly polished from over use. Not on this keypad. Not on the back of a horse. No, in those places I am unhinged and freed.

I never knew I was a mystery. I feel like such a neon sign of expression. My face is glass and transparent and I can't even begin to properly lie. I can stay quiet though. I can bite my tongue. I am practiced in these disguises.

So, today, I came to the kitchen. I made chia, buckwheat, maple muffin...er...things. No sugar, no butter. Just little omega filled, naturally sweetened yummies. There are just what I wanted and I only feel good after eating them. I love food. So much. And it delights me to make and eat something start to finish in my own kitchen, made by my own hands. It gives me such a high.

I am on a tangent here, obviously. I suppose what I am ranting about today, is that often when things seem impossible and huge and unchangable and awful, if we go back to the basics, the REASONS we do what we did in the first place, we find a new energy and we remember the joy we work so hard to keep around.

In my case, a home in which to bake and write. A horse on which to ride and love and care for and a body to power with good food and care. I will figure out the future someday, but for now, I will go back to the beginning when I take a bite that is just to rich and big for such a little one.