Turtle brownies, tulips, and bulldozers...
Sometimes, when I drive home at night and unlock my door, it feels like I am not turning the key, surely that is someone else's hand. I walk into my apartment and my dog will lick my legs and bound upon me, demanding attention. What is this strange grown-up world I have stepped into? This cannot be my life...
I live in a world where I am half child and half matron. It is so unreal to me that people know my name, my history, my "career" and my family. I have never felt so estranged and at once also such a part of something. I have built my own community, or perhaps I have found my first community. A web of people not wrapped up in my life, per say, but woven into it here and there.
I see faces in my mind, that spiral and warp as I fall asleep, thinking of my day and waiting for dreams to take me. I think of dreams I had the night before and wish them away, because there is no one to shake them off if I wake to such horrors.
This world I dance in, this stage I flit upon, it is not one I ever could have imagined. Forests and hills unknown to me three short years ago are now my backyard and hands that I never knew could be formed or play a tune, hold mine when I am trying to search for whatever it is that defines me. I reflect on actions that brought me to the place I am in now and many were stupid, just STUPID. Many were brave and terrifying, many were made in some disconnected last minute struggle to just MOVE anywhere, any way.
I am Rose, my mother's right arm, my boss's left hand man, my dog's best friend and mother, my father's littlest girl, my brother's best wrestlin' pal, sister to many, daughter to a few, stand-in prom date, late night adventure partner, 2 am phone call girl, Auntie to the sweetest creations alive, anam cara to a turtle brownie, and lover of nature and horses and chocolate, and stranger every day to myself. Everytime I see myself in the mirror, I am surprised at my face and body, at my very existence so blessed and rich.
Strange, this night, this week, this life. How all encompassing we can be, if we chose to let so many into our little circle. Our club. I feel like an outsider looking in most days, looking in on a party of babes, so innocent and playful in their youth.
Some of these people I will never see again, they are history and some are my future. I will never be the same as I was yesterday, or two years ago or tomorrow. I am constantly evolving and changing and losing and gaining...
I am just a girl though. A girl who frolics through a garden at night to gather tulips in the dark where she cannot be scolded for collecting nature, thrilled to the core to bring the beauty inside to her little home. Rose Rose Rose Rose. I suppose I will continue to feel this strange sense of distance and belonging all at once until I find my place in such a colorful world. How lucky we are to chose our own path and world and light. We may wake each day to newness and freshness. Lucky we are, indeed!
There is an Avett Brother's song I am singing to myself now..."tear down the house that I grew up in, I'll never be the same again, take everything I used to own and burn it in a pile. Bulldoze the woods that I ran through, carry the picture of me and of you, I have no memory of who I was once and I don't remember your name..." A song to many versions of Rose that have existed in my evolution.
Slainte
BRM
I live in a world where I am half child and half matron. It is so unreal to me that people know my name, my history, my "career" and my family. I have never felt so estranged and at once also such a part of something. I have built my own community, or perhaps I have found my first community. A web of people not wrapped up in my life, per say, but woven into it here and there.
I see faces in my mind, that spiral and warp as I fall asleep, thinking of my day and waiting for dreams to take me. I think of dreams I had the night before and wish them away, because there is no one to shake them off if I wake to such horrors.
This world I dance in, this stage I flit upon, it is not one I ever could have imagined. Forests and hills unknown to me three short years ago are now my backyard and hands that I never knew could be formed or play a tune, hold mine when I am trying to search for whatever it is that defines me. I reflect on actions that brought me to the place I am in now and many were stupid, just STUPID. Many were brave and terrifying, many were made in some disconnected last minute struggle to just MOVE anywhere, any way.
I am Rose, my mother's right arm, my boss's left hand man, my dog's best friend and mother, my father's littlest girl, my brother's best wrestlin' pal, sister to many, daughter to a few, stand-in prom date, late night adventure partner, 2 am phone call girl, Auntie to the sweetest creations alive, anam cara to a turtle brownie, and lover of nature and horses and chocolate, and stranger every day to myself. Everytime I see myself in the mirror, I am surprised at my face and body, at my very existence so blessed and rich.
Strange, this night, this week, this life. How all encompassing we can be, if we chose to let so many into our little circle. Our club. I feel like an outsider looking in most days, looking in on a party of babes, so innocent and playful in their youth.
Some of these people I will never see again, they are history and some are my future. I will never be the same as I was yesterday, or two years ago or tomorrow. I am constantly evolving and changing and losing and gaining...
I am just a girl though. A girl who frolics through a garden at night to gather tulips in the dark where she cannot be scolded for collecting nature, thrilled to the core to bring the beauty inside to her little home. Rose Rose Rose Rose. I suppose I will continue to feel this strange sense of distance and belonging all at once until I find my place in such a colorful world. How lucky we are to chose our own path and world and light. We may wake each day to newness and freshness. Lucky we are, indeed!
There is an Avett Brother's song I am singing to myself now..."tear down the house that I grew up in, I'll never be the same again, take everything I used to own and burn it in a pile. Bulldoze the woods that I ran through, carry the picture of me and of you, I have no memory of who I was once and I don't remember your name..." A song to many versions of Rose that have existed in my evolution.
Slainte
BRM
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