Sleep, I miss thou
The past few weeks I have found myself struggling to fall asleep, then waking often throughout the night and sleeping past my alarm. This is extremely disconcerting as I am a morning person who likes to get things done in her day. I have been wondering why and have thought about the amount of physical labor I do, the lack of sugar and other crappy food and the intensified work outs I have introduced and cannot find the key...
Well...tonight I will write.
I will write to you about everything I have been feeling and struggling with over the last few weeks and also about my successes. Sound good??
Let's start with the week before William and Mary graduation. Graduation is a tough time for me. I spent almost two years in community college, working full time and have kept a 4.0 whilst doing this. I had to stop because I was completely over-taxed and needed a break, before I knew it, a year and a half went by and I am still three years from a degree with no return to school in sight and paying a hundred bucks in student loans every month. Apparently I make too much money to pay less but not enough to actually conceive working and going to school, go figure!
During this time, my beau and I decided to take a little sabbatical from facebook and the entire social network therein. For me, the constant success posts, the over sharing, the bragging, the gloating, the attention showered upon the wrong things had given me a sour taste for humanity. I am sure his reasons were similar.
Also during this time, I have started to run, almost 20 miles a week. I want more, but after a 9 hour shift, I am spent. I feel this intense desire that is unshakable to be more, better, slimmer, more fit. I have discovered the mind over body button and I use it fully.
Success and failure are not really terms that fit in box. We have so many versions of what each one could be. I see the students in their flowing robes and I see their hours spent over books, cramming for tests, losing friends to the pressure, losing money, family, jobs, boyfriends and girlfriends. I envy them, though. I envy their four years of glory, of telling people that they are going to school at one of the nation's best schools. I envy the friend they made, the achievements they can flaunt and that piece of beautiful, thick parchment they can forever hang on a mantle, wall or stuff in a drawer. But obviously, I don't want it bad enough, right? If I cared that much, I would find a way, isn't that how it goes? That if you want something bad enough, you'll make it happen?
But what if that's not true? What if you just KNOW that it won't happen? You can feel it, so why try? Why waste time guilt tripping yourself over something you cannot achieve? Or am I a wuss?
Who knows...
I've been riding once a week, not for long, but enough to remind me how much I love the feeling you get on a horse's back, the muscles rippling to carry you faster or slower or up and over a jump. I love the smell and the freedom, the taught carriage of leg and stomach to control the pace and direction.
I would ride and dance and bake every day, were it possible.
Speaking of baking, here is a nice thing! I have made two successful easy dinners for a lovely lady out at the barn. A wonderful gluten free pizza with asparagus sauce, mozzarella, radishes, spinach and then my favorite polenta and black bean dish. She has now requested yet another dinner and I am floored to be able to provide healthy, gluten-free alternatives for other people.
But, bread....oh bread is my deepest pleasure and passion. Hearty, whole-grain bread...sweet, rich cinnamon swirl...crusty and rustic rosemary Italian... or my personal favorite, jalapeno cheddar... mmmmm It's been over two years since I have tasted any of these, instead I have made buckwheat bread and cornbread and one successful Italian loaf out of a gluten-free pizza dough mix. My goal here is to make alternates without compromising the healthy aspect. I wish I could do this for a living. I would fill my days with bread and prep for delicious and nutritious meals. I would shop locally for the best and highest quality ingredients and I would fill bellies with all of the above.
Real quick, for an earlier request, my favorite bread recipe...
Graham's Molasses Protein Bread:
2 Tablespoons of yeast
1 TBSP honey
2 Cups of lukewarm goat's milk or raw cow's milk
mix these ever so slightly so the activated yeast can feed off of the sweet LOCAL honey.
once the top forms a froth add one cup of whole wheat flour. Then add the following, mixing thoroughly after each addition:
1/2 cup BUTTER, yeah, butter
OR
coconut oil, I LOVE butter,
1/2 cup maple syrup or agave or MORE local honey
1 tablespoon salt
2 fresh, free-range local eggs
NOW,
add in whole wheat flour, once cup at a time until you have to work it with your hands. THIS is my all time favorite part. add more flour and knead and knead and knead until you have a warm, round and smooth dough ball in the center of your bowl, cover it with your apron or a clean towel and leave it sitting in a warm place until it doubles in size.
What I usually do it preheat my oven to 375 then crack the oven door and place the bowl near this, rotating the bowl every few minutes to evenly distribute the heat.
Once it's nice and fluffly, punch out your frustrations and add the following, folding in each item carefully and thoroughly:
1/2 cup sunflower seeds
1/3 cup chia seeds or hemp hearts
1/3 cup millet
1/2 cup molasses, YES MA'AM
1/3 cup pumpkin seeds
and any other omega, protein or fiber rich nut or seed you can think of existing!
divide your dough into two and shape it into a nice loaf form, placing each one in a buttered bread dish or molding it into a circle and placing it on a buttered cookie sheet.
Bake these heavenly beauties until they are brown and emit a hollow "plunk" when tapped with a knife. It should be right around 20-25 minutes. Careful as the molasses makes the bread dark and it gets tricky to tell burn from molasses. Though I always let my nose be the guide...
ROSE NOSE KNOWS.
Okay, I am finally sleepy, thank goodness. I will leave for tonight on the following note, I don't have a celebratory graduation dinner or a bracelet marking my many life events and successes. I don't have a degree or a perfect body. I am not absolutely wonderful at any one thing. I don't have hundred or even too many people who think I am the bee's knees...but that's okay... I don't need my picture or post "liked" by 178 people to know I am worth something. I am learning. I don't need the world to validate me, I need to be validated by myself alone. To live for others the best I can while being sure to still be good to myself. And....I need to go to church...
Goodnight and slainte
~BRM
Well...tonight I will write.
I will write to you about everything I have been feeling and struggling with over the last few weeks and also about my successes. Sound good??
Let's start with the week before William and Mary graduation. Graduation is a tough time for me. I spent almost two years in community college, working full time and have kept a 4.0 whilst doing this. I had to stop because I was completely over-taxed and needed a break, before I knew it, a year and a half went by and I am still three years from a degree with no return to school in sight and paying a hundred bucks in student loans every month. Apparently I make too much money to pay less but not enough to actually conceive working and going to school, go figure!
During this time, my beau and I decided to take a little sabbatical from facebook and the entire social network therein. For me, the constant success posts, the over sharing, the bragging, the gloating, the attention showered upon the wrong things had given me a sour taste for humanity. I am sure his reasons were similar.
Also during this time, I have started to run, almost 20 miles a week. I want more, but after a 9 hour shift, I am spent. I feel this intense desire that is unshakable to be more, better, slimmer, more fit. I have discovered the mind over body button and I use it fully.
Success and failure are not really terms that fit in box. We have so many versions of what each one could be. I see the students in their flowing robes and I see their hours spent over books, cramming for tests, losing friends to the pressure, losing money, family, jobs, boyfriends and girlfriends. I envy them, though. I envy their four years of glory, of telling people that they are going to school at one of the nation's best schools. I envy the friend they made, the achievements they can flaunt and that piece of beautiful, thick parchment they can forever hang on a mantle, wall or stuff in a drawer. But obviously, I don't want it bad enough, right? If I cared that much, I would find a way, isn't that how it goes? That if you want something bad enough, you'll make it happen?
But what if that's not true? What if you just KNOW that it won't happen? You can feel it, so why try? Why waste time guilt tripping yourself over something you cannot achieve? Or am I a wuss?
Who knows...
I've been riding once a week, not for long, but enough to remind me how much I love the feeling you get on a horse's back, the muscles rippling to carry you faster or slower or up and over a jump. I love the smell and the freedom, the taught carriage of leg and stomach to control the pace and direction.
I would ride and dance and bake every day, were it possible.
Speaking of baking, here is a nice thing! I have made two successful easy dinners for a lovely lady out at the barn. A wonderful gluten free pizza with asparagus sauce, mozzarella, radishes, spinach and then my favorite polenta and black bean dish. She has now requested yet another dinner and I am floored to be able to provide healthy, gluten-free alternatives for other people.
But, bread....oh bread is my deepest pleasure and passion. Hearty, whole-grain bread...sweet, rich cinnamon swirl...crusty and rustic rosemary Italian... or my personal favorite, jalapeno cheddar... mmmmm It's been over two years since I have tasted any of these, instead I have made buckwheat bread and cornbread and one successful Italian loaf out of a gluten-free pizza dough mix. My goal here is to make alternates without compromising the healthy aspect. I wish I could do this for a living. I would fill my days with bread and prep for delicious and nutritious meals. I would shop locally for the best and highest quality ingredients and I would fill bellies with all of the above.
Real quick, for an earlier request, my favorite bread recipe...
Graham's Molasses Protein Bread:
2 Tablespoons of yeast
1 TBSP honey
2 Cups of lukewarm goat's milk or raw cow's milk
mix these ever so slightly so the activated yeast can feed off of the sweet LOCAL honey.
once the top forms a froth add one cup of whole wheat flour. Then add the following, mixing thoroughly after each addition:
1/2 cup BUTTER, yeah, butter
OR
coconut oil, I LOVE butter,
1/2 cup maple syrup or agave or MORE local honey
1 tablespoon salt
2 fresh, free-range local eggs
NOW,
add in whole wheat flour, once cup at a time until you have to work it with your hands. THIS is my all time favorite part. add more flour and knead and knead and knead until you have a warm, round and smooth dough ball in the center of your bowl, cover it with your apron or a clean towel and leave it sitting in a warm place until it doubles in size.
What I usually do it preheat my oven to 375 then crack the oven door and place the bowl near this, rotating the bowl every few minutes to evenly distribute the heat.
Once it's nice and fluffly, punch out your frustrations and add the following, folding in each item carefully and thoroughly:
1/2 cup sunflower seeds
1/3 cup chia seeds or hemp hearts
1/3 cup millet
1/2 cup molasses, YES MA'AM
1/3 cup pumpkin seeds
and any other omega, protein or fiber rich nut or seed you can think of existing!
divide your dough into two and shape it into a nice loaf form, placing each one in a buttered bread dish or molding it into a circle and placing it on a buttered cookie sheet.
Bake these heavenly beauties until they are brown and emit a hollow "plunk" when tapped with a knife. It should be right around 20-25 minutes. Careful as the molasses makes the bread dark and it gets tricky to tell burn from molasses. Though I always let my nose be the guide...
ROSE NOSE KNOWS.
Okay, I am finally sleepy, thank goodness. I will leave for tonight on the following note, I don't have a celebratory graduation dinner or a bracelet marking my many life events and successes. I don't have a degree or a perfect body. I am not absolutely wonderful at any one thing. I don't have hundred or even too many people who think I am the bee's knees...but that's okay... I don't need my picture or post "liked" by 178 people to know I am worth something. I am learning. I don't need the world to validate me, I need to be validated by myself alone. To live for others the best I can while being sure to still be good to myself. And....I need to go to church...
Goodnight and slainte
~BRM
This elegant bread recipe looks absolutely amazing! Thank you Rose! I will work on making this very soon and let you know how it turns out! Peace to you!
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