Oh, were it spring...I would be healthy indeed.
For the third time this winter and the second time in a month, some dreadful malady has taken hold of my body. Oh, how I loathe sitting around, keeping to my bed. I long to walk and clean and bake, but I find my bones soft and muscles useless in this time. I am so sorry for my little body, how hard it works for me and I treat it so poorly. I never sleep enough, work too much and don't eat nearly enough of what is good for me to be healthy.
I was showering today, to wash off the feeling of staleness and to aid in the recovery of the bizarre hives that seem to have taken over my jaw, ears, neck and tummy and as I looked down, I wept. Again, I was struck with how much I have changed over the last few years. Yet, the bumps and the scars to follow were all too familiar. Since I grew up outdoors most of my life, my legs were always covered in mosquito bites and chigger infestations. I had scarred legs until I was 18 or so and it was y biggest insecurity and here, again, my body was letting me down.
It is strange to me how much beauty or at least looking healthy can still be such a desire of mine. I feel pale, sickly, flaccid, dull and dark. What a toll stress can take on your body and heart. I cannot emphasize enough to myself or those around me how important your health and general well-being are to a happy life. When we cannot deal with life physically, how are we to deal with the pangs of heartbreak and emotional distress?
I sit here this evening, corgi at my feet and tea to my left, thinking about how many times a day we fight tiny battles. Battles of will, battles of strength, battles of health, greed, jealousy, hunger, sleep....I could go on. Every day is a battle just to live through til sleep. Only in sleep are we able to collapse and not make an effort to live...
Some of us, at least. Then we have the insomniacs. The ones plagued by constant thought, worry, stress, concentration, distraction, wishing to be everywhere else and everything else. Either never able to fall asleep, or else woken by a dream and then unable to return to slumber after, there are some of us haunted, even in slumber... we cannot seem to shake the eerie sense of failure, past and anxiety. No wonder I am sick so often, sleep monsters visit so often. I must chase these night demons away. Maybe I can fight the battle of slumber for the rest of you out there like me... I would love to know sleep is a reconciling again...a rest that peace begets.
Goodnight all
Goodnight Moon....
I was showering today, to wash off the feeling of staleness and to aid in the recovery of the bizarre hives that seem to have taken over my jaw, ears, neck and tummy and as I looked down, I wept. Again, I was struck with how much I have changed over the last few years. Yet, the bumps and the scars to follow were all too familiar. Since I grew up outdoors most of my life, my legs were always covered in mosquito bites and chigger infestations. I had scarred legs until I was 18 or so and it was y biggest insecurity and here, again, my body was letting me down.
It is strange to me how much beauty or at least looking healthy can still be such a desire of mine. I feel pale, sickly, flaccid, dull and dark. What a toll stress can take on your body and heart. I cannot emphasize enough to myself or those around me how important your health and general well-being are to a happy life. When we cannot deal with life physically, how are we to deal with the pangs of heartbreak and emotional distress?
I sit here this evening, corgi at my feet and tea to my left, thinking about how many times a day we fight tiny battles. Battles of will, battles of strength, battles of health, greed, jealousy, hunger, sleep....I could go on. Every day is a battle just to live through til sleep. Only in sleep are we able to collapse and not make an effort to live...
Some of us, at least. Then we have the insomniacs. The ones plagued by constant thought, worry, stress, concentration, distraction, wishing to be everywhere else and everything else. Either never able to fall asleep, or else woken by a dream and then unable to return to slumber after, there are some of us haunted, even in slumber... we cannot seem to shake the eerie sense of failure, past and anxiety. No wonder I am sick so often, sleep monsters visit so often. I must chase these night demons away. Maybe I can fight the battle of slumber for the rest of you out there like me... I would love to know sleep is a reconciling again...a rest that peace begets.
Goodnight all
Goodnight Moon....
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