Soloist
I never thought of myself as someone who couldn't handle things. It feels that way, from time to time and I will panic for a moment, but I can pull myself up by the bootstraps rather quickly. It's both a delight and a pleasure to be able to be so confident and comfortable as, dare I say it, a "loner?"
I enjoy people and I love watching them and observing them, but at the end of the day, the desire to sit alone in my house or beside a railroad, in the woods or on a mountain top is so strong that I will forego almost any activity and very little can persuade me out of my repose.
I suppose it is a recharging of sorts, or perhaps I know that I * am truly the only one who can fix my problems, assuage my worries and plan my footfalls. I can complain or vent to my family, friends and etc, but often it makes me feel worse instead of better. I get frustrated with myself for putting my woes on any one else, as they have just as much to carry as I do, if not more!
You know when you hear a song that recalls a lot of memories or when you drive a familiar road with plenty of associations and you feel the tears well up? Up until about two months ago, I would often text or call someone to break the lonesome purgatory I was feeling, but something funny happened recently, I turned my phone off, completely. Power down. And I sat in my car and stared out at the sunset while I waited for my rescue to bring me gasoline. I wrote what I felt on a napkin in my car and then simply sat and absorbed the emotion sprouting out of the pink setting sun. Needing anyone is not something I do and it is something I can never do. Wanting, sure. Who doesn't want someone?
But girls like me, girls with fierce and wildly independent mothers who inspire them to rise above earthly things, girls who spend 5 hours on their day off mucking stalls in the cold because they NEED it, girls who run as fast as they can through fields just to feel their legs give out, girls who wait for the inspiration of seasonal diversity and nightfall, these girls do not need anyone.
And sometimes, I tell you, this is not easy. There is often nothing more appealing to me than falling down at someone's feet and saying, "help!" Ohhhhhh so nice it would be. Alas, I cuddle my puppy, cry into a pillow and then straighten the hem on my dress and start about planning this and that little detail of my day and life to give myself direction and purpose.
Purpose is the greatest thing any human can discover. Sometimes we let others give us our purpose, but that only lasts so long. Only so long can we live for someone else when our own heart and wild call must be answered. I yearn to hike and climb and see new horizons, I long to bake and cook and watch people delight over the works of my hands, however few. I will do these things, even if they build friction against the plans that others may have for me. Because, I am called to do these, in some way.
The cry of our hearts must always be followed. Whether your heart seeks another, solitude, quiet, chaos, mountains, beaches, music, quiet, light, dark... God, nature. Though to me, there is no opposition there. I believe in God and God is love and light and nature and darkness and mountains and beaches and music and stillness. And, for me, He is solitude as well as company.
Peace to you all on this last day of February, for which I am VASTLY grateful. It has been a year since the end of the most poisonous few months of my memory so far and I am oh so ready for March to come and hurl his rain and thunder and blooms.
I enjoy people and I love watching them and observing them, but at the end of the day, the desire to sit alone in my house or beside a railroad, in the woods or on a mountain top is so strong that I will forego almost any activity and very little can persuade me out of my repose.
I suppose it is a recharging of sorts, or perhaps I know that I * am truly the only one who can fix my problems, assuage my worries and plan my footfalls. I can complain or vent to my family, friends and etc, but often it makes me feel worse instead of better. I get frustrated with myself for putting my woes on any one else, as they have just as much to carry as I do, if not more!
You know when you hear a song that recalls a lot of memories or when you drive a familiar road with plenty of associations and you feel the tears well up? Up until about two months ago, I would often text or call someone to break the lonesome purgatory I was feeling, but something funny happened recently, I turned my phone off, completely. Power down. And I sat in my car and stared out at the sunset while I waited for my rescue to bring me gasoline. I wrote what I felt on a napkin in my car and then simply sat and absorbed the emotion sprouting out of the pink setting sun. Needing anyone is not something I do and it is something I can never do. Wanting, sure. Who doesn't want someone?
But girls like me, girls with fierce and wildly independent mothers who inspire them to rise above earthly things, girls who spend 5 hours on their day off mucking stalls in the cold because they NEED it, girls who run as fast as they can through fields just to feel their legs give out, girls who wait for the inspiration of seasonal diversity and nightfall, these girls do not need anyone.
And sometimes, I tell you, this is not easy. There is often nothing more appealing to me than falling down at someone's feet and saying, "help!" Ohhhhhh so nice it would be. Alas, I cuddle my puppy, cry into a pillow and then straighten the hem on my dress and start about planning this and that little detail of my day and life to give myself direction and purpose.
Purpose is the greatest thing any human can discover. Sometimes we let others give us our purpose, but that only lasts so long. Only so long can we live for someone else when our own heart and wild call must be answered. I yearn to hike and climb and see new horizons, I long to bake and cook and watch people delight over the works of my hands, however few. I will do these things, even if they build friction against the plans that others may have for me. Because, I am called to do these, in some way.
The cry of our hearts must always be followed. Whether your heart seeks another, solitude, quiet, chaos, mountains, beaches, music, quiet, light, dark... God, nature. Though to me, there is no opposition there. I believe in God and God is love and light and nature and darkness and mountains and beaches and music and stillness. And, for me, He is solitude as well as company.
Peace to you all on this last day of February, for which I am VASTLY grateful. It has been a year since the end of the most poisonous few months of my memory so far and I am oh so ready for March to come and hurl his rain and thunder and blooms.
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